What The Hell Am I Doing With My Life?

Do you ever just feel stuck?  Like you don't know where you're going or why?  I have a great life.  I'm married to an amazing woman who keeps wanting to remain married to me.  Last summer we bought a home that, while admittedly modest, is everything we've ever wanted.  My adult daughter is off living her life and still texts her Mama regularly to tell me about it.  We have an adorable posse of big dogs whom we love, including the realization of a long-held joint dream - a 4 month old purebred Irish Wolfhound puppy who is the love of our lives.  I have a stable job that makes a decent wage.

So what's the problem?

The problem is I'm 49 years old and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.  I've spent my life chewing on a myriad of options of what direction to go in my life.  I'm a planner by nature so I have taken great joy over the years figuring out how to make just about any dream come to fruition.  The problem is I never settled on a particular dream plan to put into action for myself.  Suddenly it isn't so cool to think about finally going back to college to get that degree.  I work for a major university that offers me an amazing tuition discount and while I would love to pursue any of a number of bachelor's degrees, it isn't cost-effective at this late date to pursue one just because I want to pursue it.

I've long wanted to open my own business - set myself up as a virtual assistant, sell handmade soaps, or open a food truck, cupcake shop, or small metaphysical store.  Any number of idea have floated through my mind, some more often than others, but lives there continuously in a way that would make evident that it is a business I am passionate about and should pursue.

Is is passion that I'm lacking?  The "experts" always say to follow your passion and the rest will follow.  What if you have no life passion?

Angel

The Middle of Middle Age

So I've been thinking a lot lately about this getting old thing.  Did you know Ferris Bueller's Day Off premiered thirty years ago??  Wow, no wonder Matthew Broderick has been looking so old lately - he IS old. And I guess that means I am too.  I'm not ready for it and have been fighting it kicking and screaming for quite awhile I guess without really noticing I was doing it, if that makes sense.

When I really stop and take a look at my life I realize I am smack dab in the middle of middle age.  I've been dying my hair since my early twenties but have noticed over the past several years that when my roots start showing, there's a LOT of grey there.  Also what's with all the hair in the drain??  And suddenly my hands are all wrinkled.  When I pass a mirror I just don't recognize the old woman looking back at me.

My Mother died suddenly the day before Thanksgiving three years ago and I know this railing against age, and surely mortality, is just another step in the grieving process.  I am very aware these days of how quickly any of us can just be gone, without notice to ourselves or anyone else.  My Mom was 21 years older than me and I'm just not ready for my life to be over 21 years from now.  (I know that's a silly way to put it but its what I've been thinking these past months.)  I've always felt I had so much time to accomplish whatever I wanted and, aside from birthing and raising that sweet child who is now an awesome adult woman and marrying very satisfyingly the second time around, I find myself contemplating the fact that I don't really have much to show for my first 49 years. 

So there it is.  These hippie feet are traveling down a road that is stretching out a long way behind me.  I'm walking a bit more slowly these days but I'm surely still moving forward.  Some days, like today, that's enough. 

Angela

Welcome

Welcome to a whole new creation – Hippie Feet On the Road.  Wait .. what kind of name IS that?  Well this is about my journey, walking my bare feet on the dusty road of life.  Some time back a friend referred to her dirty, bare feet as “hippie feet” so that term has since stuck in my head.  And there you have it; this is a blog about walking barefoot along the dusty, sometimes dirty, path of life.  Profound, eh?

Well what kind of blog will this be?  This is really a first for me so I guess this will just be about me.  I’m your average, middle-aged woman – a married empty nester with too many dogs, trying to find time for a meaningful spiritual life, making a living at a job I don’t necessarily love while trying to figure out how to make it into a "career", struggling with my weight, and fighting with my hair.  I’m sure I’ll find plenty to say even if it means no one wants to listen!

So .. slipping off my shoes, getting comfy, and about to continue on down that road.  Maybe you’ll come back and check in on me from time to time?

Angela